Sentimental Fool (A work of fiction)

I am a bleeding heart; a big baby; a wuss.

I don't sit around all day and think about the "what could have been" or "what if", but when I do, it really brings me down.

When you look back on your life, you can't help but take notice of all the mistakes that you've made. Well, I should say that I can't help it. It's like your worst-case scenario of PTSD (post-tramatic stress disorder). I re-live the mistake and the pain that I felt then... and now.

Friendships and loves lost, never to be regained. At least not at the original fever pitch. They say that when something breaks, it heals stronger. Is that really true? I mean, when a person breaks a bone, don't they always feel an approaching storm? So, how can the "stronger" adage be true?

Tonight, I thought about some of the people that I've lost. Relationships that even if I could repair them, they will never be the same. It is best to live your life without regret, but I can say with all honesty, that I am not known for doing what's best for me. I am not sure if I miss my friends or if I miss the friendship that we shared. Seeing someone that you used to know and now when you see him/her or talk to him/her, it's as if your choking because the air becomes to thick.

I look forward to the day that my heart doesn't stutter-step whenever I think of the people that I've lost; the friendships never to be recovered; the love never to be restored. But for now, I just sit and reflect; contemplate; re-live that moment when it all went south; wonder "what could have been" and "what if". If only I'd been clairvoyant; could've seen that the road that I chose back then; the words that I was going to say; the decision that I made was going to lead me to this place where every once in a while, I stop, look back, sit down and cry over all that I have lost.